I'm sure you're wondering, dear reader of NOUGAT...why was the subject matter of this following piece of literature not disclosed on the page of contents? Well, I'll tell you, folks, and I'll tell you plainly: this piece is about poop. Now I know as well as you, the subject of poop is not one that people air very loudly in your average "decent public forum." But you know what? Everybody does it. Poop is an intrinsic part of our makeup as human beings. We've gotta have it. And as a subject, poop is always funny. It may not be funny as an object quite as often...but it can be...oh yes, it can be....
did i ever tell you about the time i went camping with uncle kruse and bunky beck?
we awoke after a chilly night of 'made-up' beer drinking games. we consumed a shit load of crappy beer that night (which i later puked). it was now time to hold a contest to find the best place to shit in the woods.
i went first and found a quaint little area. shaded from the morning sun, i leaned my ass against a tree and let her rip. the area i had chosen had fresh lilac blooms so the entire area smelled of flowers and now shit. the poop was fine but the the problem was the piss. what do you do with the pee-pee? i aimed it down successfully avoiding my pants and shoes. a moderately clean wiper - only 4 wipes. the on looking judges (bunky and kruse) were impressed, but eager to find a spot of their own.
next it was bunky's turn. he led us deeper into the woods to a clearing near the river. several trees had fallen in this area and bunky was scanning each and every one of these downed trees carefully. he announced he was ready so kruse and myself prepared ourselves for the judging. bunky let out a comfortable sigh as he sat on a 'v' shaped log to relieve himself. all the weight was off his legs making for an impressive 3 wiper!!! bunky would have sat there the rest of the morning if it hadn't been for kruse's urgency to go poop.
finally it was kruse's turn. despite the rumors that no one has ever pulled off less than a two-wiper in the woods, brian keith kruse had his mind set on just that: the coveted one-wipe. several paces up and down the creek proved tiring for all of us. kruse's look of determination turned to a look of urgency as his colon was feastering up. brian asked if i could hold the toilet paper while he picked up a walking stick (not to aid in pooping) but to help himself up a steep-sided embankment up from the river bed. bunky and i stayed down low by the river, watching brian feverishly climb the slope while skillfully clenching his buttcheeks. we all knew one tiny slip would mean an awful mess in brian's pants but it would also mean an end to this record setting attempt.
suddenly brian stopped. he turned around to look down at us (about 15 feet). his face was red and covered in beads of sweat. then, in a frenzy, brian dropped the stick and pulled up his shirt holding it with his chin (exposing his protruding gut). he reached for his belt buckle like a blind man possessed! after pulling and tugging the belt finally released like a stubborn old mule. he jerked at his pants and fumbled with the button and zipper while bunky and i moved the hell out of the way to avoid being shit on. i knew this was going to be good, but had no idea how he was going to pull this one off. with his pants and boxers around his ankles brian reached up to a branch growing out from the embankment. he leaned back over the ledge suspended by a single branch. he leaned WAY out. all i could see was the side view of his white ass cheeks. bunky opted for the "sewer pickle's" eye view. the first turd was amazingly solid. after all the beer we drank, i thought for sure it would be running down his leg. but no, kruse grunted with a cheerful propulsion that damn near hit bunky!! after repositioning his footing, he fired another one out as if he was lead gunner on a battleship. these things were flying out! bunky let out a yelp and a snicker as he started to run towards me. "was it clean?" i inquired. but bunky was laughing so hard he couldn't breath let alone talk. i offered kruse the toilet paper, but he replied with a tear in his eye, "i don't need it." was it true? did kruse really pull off this elite 'no-wiper'?
after crowning kruse the all mighty-shitter, we packed-up our camping gear and headed for home. (oh yeah we also made a crude sweat lodge-but that's another story) we didn't talk about what happened that morning.
now every time i take a crap i'm reminded of the series of events that took place that morning. as i reach for the toilet paper, i think to myself: either kruse really did pull it off or he just rode home with really poopy pants.
© 1999 by one J. Petersen
THE RETURN OF THE EDITOR! You know, I enjoyed the above piece so much that I suggested to one J. Petersen that I might just throw together an on-line zine devoted to all things poopy. J. got so excited by this idea that he fired off the following e-mail to me and a few of our other acquaintances. I've decided to reprint his missive here, which will probably be the extent of this whole poopy project.
2000 NEW YEARS RESOLUTION: MORE POOP!!! silkcock may develop a web site devoted to poop and poop stories. i think these thoughts of poop are worthy of publication. send ideas, stories, photos, etc. to silk. remember: pee is equally funny if it viewed as an act of shooting, writing, or putting out things on fire. feature story: "What's the strangest thing you ever wiped with?" by Bunky Beck. also included an editorial on rectal prolapes. anyone ever do a harris lab study where they had to collect feces? funny poop story courtesy of butch: http://www.theonion.com/onion3536/e_toilet.html If I ever open a bar, I will keep the urinals stocked full of ice cubes all the time because it is fun to shoot them down with your weeny full of pee and it decreases the chances of drunken violence, I think. my hound loves pissing on ice!!! what a fabulous idea!!! um . . . here boy . . . whhhhhttt. . . . whhhhhttt . . . . hello? it would also be sweet to freeze the toilet bowl water, cause hot steamin' turds are WAY cool!!! plus you wouldn't have to worry about the backsplash. Stop it with the poop & pee!!! Frozen peeberries!! Frozen dogdoodie!! Did you know Mexicans throw their poopy paper in the waste basket and not in the toilet? I just learned about this phenomenon over christmas, when I went in for my morning peepee only to find a lunker in the bowl accompanied by NO toilet paper! Mexican poop is FUNNY too!!! maybe it was a golden no-wiper, aka "the gold lunker" did you check the tiny waste basket for evidence? Poop in Europe is funny. Especially in Poland. Forget about it, there is no water in the bowl, its just a flat landing pad. Talk about skid marks. The poop comes out and lands flat and makes a pyramid. And if you get backed up and live with Meister you can poop out your back up after a week and 1/2 and leave it there for Meister to see when he gets home. And it smells xtra bad cuz theres no water to cover it up. And Meister will say "JEZUZ!" And if its a multi-wiper, yer in trouble cuz the paper piles up and gets all over the place. Poop in Poland is funny, too.